Archive for the ‘Uncovering Joy’ Category

Using Intention to Uncover Joy (or, How do you make these techniques work anyway?)

April 28, 2011

When I was learning to see energy and use psychic skills, I met with a group once a month for a day or a weekend. This was before there were any acupuncture schools in the United States, let alone any recognition for consciousness work. There was a surge of interest in alternative medicine, eastern religions, and spiritual topics but no structure for them and no acceptance by the culture at large. Back then, we didn’t talk in terms of laws of intention or attraction. In the group, we explored expanding our perceptual abilities, experiencing different states, transmitting them to each other, and checking veracity and accuracy.

One early exercise to learn to affect energy and reality was to create parking spaces. For the month, our homework was to open up parking spaces before we’d arrive at a destination and would need one. Mind you, we were from the greater New York City environs, where many folks don’t own cars, if only so they won’t have to find and pay for parking spaces!

I learned as much from hearing the different ways that people approached it as from the assignment itself. One friend was Sammi, a high-powered and assertive executive in international marketing who was very clear about who she was and comfortable wielding power.

Another group member was Bridget, mother of six children who had just gone through a very nasty divorce. She hated her job because it demanded that she be high-profile and persuasive. She was much more comfortable in roles in which she provided support and advice, and she made amazing things happen from the background.

Then there was me. I was in New York dancing and trying to figure out a structure for using my clairvoyant and healing gifts. I was aware of all this energy and perception that wanted to flow through my system, pressing to be used. Yet at the same time, I was struggling with old abuse issues, so I tended to be harshly self-critical.

When we come back after the month, the leader asked us to describe what we actually did to create the parking places. Sammi said that at first she was sure she could assertively open a space by putting the force of her energy into it, carving out space for her car with her will. It didn’t work. When she asked, ‘If it is in my best interest and in the best interest of world around me, could I please have a parking place?’ – then she’d find one.

I looked at her in amusement and said, “That’s so funny, because I thought I should do the polite thing – ask carefully, be respectful, but it never worked. I drove around for hours and never found one. It wasn’t until I went into my center and toughened up and fiercely demanded it, saying, “I want it, I deserve it, and so show up NOW!” – that I’d find a space. I could even swear. All that mattered was that I be forceful and bingo, there it was. I was so confused by that, because I thought it wasn’t spiritual enough, not the way one should interact with “higher powers.”

Sammi was so assertive that her energy was limited in the ways it could interact, due to the force with which she was planted in herself. She could not take the energy of situations or other people into account until she softened and stepped back. Creating the parking space pushed her to be more aware of her relation to others.

At that time, I, on the other hand, walked through life not taking up enough room. So I had to move into the experience of deserving a parking place in order to open one for myself, rather than unconsciously emitting the intention that there was no room for me.

Bridget’s method still makes me chuckle because it was such an illustration of the nature of her gifts and energy. She psychically sent out a note to whoever was near where she wanted to park. “I’d call to all those people who were hemming and hawing, standing on one foot and then the other, not able to say good-bye, and I’d help them make the decision to leave. I just reassured them that it was okay to go now, told them to get in their cars and stop messing about. Then I could have their parking place.”

This story is a good illustration because intention – clarifying a goal, your desire to achieve it, and marshalling your energy to go for it – is a function that requires that you align yourself, be willing to be precise about what you want, to ask for it clearly, and to open space for the thing to appear. You can learn a lot about yourself by working on your technique. There is a specific area to identify in your body in which your intention consolidates. To become adept at using it successfully, it is helpful to know the energetic steps needed to create through intention.

The reason why I am including a chapter on intention is that, in the skills you will learn other chapters in the book, it will be necessary to focus yourself with intention in order to create a certain energy, or to become aware of some aspect of the skill, or to move into a new area. Intention is not just about creating Maseratis. It is also used in Energy Work to move your awareness to new levels of complexity, to increase your perception, to develop new internal abilities and states. Energy practitioners and intuitives use their intention all the time to ask for information and see the ‘unseeable.’

How do you use intention in your life? What tips would you offer others?

Pre-Spring: The Useful Purpose of Anxiety

March 10, 2011

Anxiety, the Useful Red Flag

As winter continues (which is ok for us ski buffs but not for anyone else) the world, weather, and economy are all in upheaval. So I thought that understanding anxiety would be a helpful pre-Spring message.

More people are medicated to get away from anxiety than almost any other emotional state. People view anxiety as bad; that it means that something is wrong. Many people experience “free-floating anxiety,” meaning there is no obvious cause. The problem is that people don’t see the cause because they have disconnected from their bodies and feelings, so they aren’t aware of their reactions to events. They are not getting any information, so their reactions seem to come out of the blue. Not knowing why they are agitated makes people feel out-of-control. That leads quickly to seeing any anxiety as a sure sign that their lives are out-of-control. They try madly to figure out what’s going on and avoid any situations that they think may cause the anxiety. Then they have more and more anxiety.

Anxiety actually has a crucial purpose. It notifies us when we need to pay attention to something surfacing or about to happen. If we can see it as a helpful flag, and be willing to look at and assess a potential situation, or be with a surfacing emotion, then we can change our perception of anxiety. It becomes a useful tool. We pay attention, attend to something when we need to, and then we won’t panic. We’ll feel more in control of our lives and empowered to be in the moment and keep moving forward toward our goals.

Anxiety is supposed to be uncomfortable. It is a function of activity in the amygdala, a portion of what has been called the limbic system, the central part of the brain whose purpose is to deal with emotional reactions. The amygdala is activated when we are startled or when we anticipate an event. These could be surprises such as a car back-firing, or the phone ringing at 3:00 AM, or an event that we freely choose, such as taking part in a local production of “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead,” going out the door into Manhattan at night, or taking the SAT’s. The amygdala’s job is to focus our attention on possible dangers. We have a choice, once it has fired. We may go on automatic and react with fight-or-flight, or we may engage the assessment functions of our more advanced brain centers. They will help us weigh the reality of the danger, check that our costume is on straight, be on guard around strangers on the street, or have our pencil sharpened. If we do not moderate the instant alert system with assessment–considering the stimulus; memory recall–comparing it to other events we’ve gone through; and strategizing–thinking what would be the best response given all the information, chances are we will find ourselves running madly away from slamming doors, or we’ll find ourselves taking a swing at a bratty brother when he comes up behind us unexpectedly. Or, we may freeze, unable to remember our lines. One thing is for sure: we’ll constantly over-estimate the amount of danger present in any given situation.

It is not the street, or the test, or the stage that actually causes the anxiety. The trigger only alerts us to check it out. But so many people back away from the triggering situation as if that will reduce their anxiety. And it does, in the moment. But it doesn’t handle the real situation. It only makes them believe that not doing things will make them feel safer.

But, every time someone backs down from a challenge, their sense of agency diminishes, and their fear increases. They feel smaller and smaller. They lose touch with themselves more and more, as they are mesmerized by the scary image front of their mind’s eye. And unless we examine this reaction in the light of day, we won’t see that we are really stuck in past fears and past events; that we are not really reacting to the reality in front of us. The performance doesn’t cause us to feel anxious. Our anticipation and history do.

Even Judy Dench doubts herself

February 2, 2011

From Chapter 16: Value Yourself Highly:

Dame Judy Dench, arguably one of the best actors in the world, has primarily played sure-footed women. She was being interviewed on National Public Radio to introduce her latest series, “Cranford,” as I wrote the first draft of this chapter. One of the things she said of her acting career was, “Those characters are not who I am. Everything I have done has brought up such anxiety, so much anxiety.”

Dame Judy was anxious because she had to wrestle with her doubt that she’d do a good job. It seems that no one is free of doubts and critical inner voices. Self-doubt seems to be part of the human condition (except in psychopaths and people who blame others for everything), and it is impossible to eradicate completely. As a great actor, Dame Judy is an example of someone who clearly knows how to deal with her anxiety and move forward.

Even when we have done the work of facing painful feelings and restructuring self-defeating beliefs, many of us continue the habit of questioning ourselves unnecessarily or turning against ourselves when something goes wrong. Self-doubt is a habit that no longer serves a protective purpose. It only undermines our efforts to build self- assurance and a new outlook by uncentering us and thus disorganizing our sense of ourselves. We must see that self-criticism and shame are not based on the reality of who we are but rather are attempts to control our pain without dealing with it directly.

If our old sense of self is based on self-criticism and self-hatred, we must be emphatic in treating ourselves positively in order to build a stance based on self-love and a realistic appreciation of our worth. It isn’t overcompensation. It simply feels that way if we’ve had a taboo against being on our own side.

Valuing ourselves is not just a nice idea. It is crucial in order to turn away from those deeply grooved pathways of self-doubt, second-guessing, anticipating disaster, and despair. We cannot wait for circumstances to pop self-confidence over our heads like a new sweater. We must train minds to see ourselves as valuable and precious. Joy is not an externally induced event, which actually is a great relief.  Our joy is not dependent on events or other people. Even if it feels as though we’re breaking taboos, and the wrath of all the gods will pour down on our heads for doing so, we can choose to invest in a true, positive sense of ourselves.

Self-criticism is disconnection

July 16, 2010

Self-criticism is, by its very nature, disconnection from present reality as you channel some past, learned diatribe and paste it on the now. The way to stop habitual self-blame is to risk the pit of stored emotions, move into yourself, and find that the blame and the scary inferno of hurt can all dissipate. (from Centering chapter)

What does Grounding have to do with Joy?

June 17, 2010

The secret about joy is that it is only by being in the present, deeply connected and awake within ourselves, that it is possible to tap into the bliss lurking beneath the crud. Grounding enables us to be in the present. Our efforts to stay away from our old baggage actually keeps us stuck and disconnected from ourselves and traps us in pain. Grounding awakens us to our internal world, so we come face-to-face with feelings we may have been avoiding, but it also increases intuition, healing, safety, and calm.

The question is, how do we release the pain and return to ourselves? Grounding and centering are two vital steps in the answer. Used together, we can increase our body’s ability to heal, our energy to work out kinks and realign. In the process, we can resolve and release old trauma, lay to rest old losses, and change self-defeating patterns.

When, rather than being scattered, too focused on others, or self-critical, we ground ourselves, we settle into relationship with ourselves. We turn on the lights and move into our own body more completely. Rather than zoning out, or trying to get away, or tightening up to only a tiny part of ourselves (say, our minds, maybe?) we inhabit all of ourselves. We settle into what is real now, connecting inward, in order to connect outward safely and accurately. Grounding enables us to see what is around us and our place in it, and to move thru life assuredly, or at least without losing ourselves.

Smile, breathe and go slowly.  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. ~Theodore Roosevelt

Gardening and Roots

June 1, 2010

Now that the weather is (hopefully!) staying warm, planting season is here in earnest. Everyone in this rural area spends Memorial Day weekend farming like mad, no matter the size of their land. As the tomatoes, lettuce and delicata squash settle into the earth and send down roots to grow strong, we have a chance to do the same for ourselves. We can move into summer paying attention to grounding ourselves.

One of the major benefits of being grounded is that we are able to stay firmly in our own place rather than being blown around by other people or events. The perfect example is the martial arts master. Often in movies he is depicted as a small, wizened, old man who works, say, in a Chinese restaurant as a dishwasher. Unbeknownst to the owner and others who, from the audience’s viewpoint, ought to know better, the gentle man is a top-notch practitioner. One evening, bent on vendetta against the restaurateur, large thugs crashes into the restaurant through the kitchen. The old man is in their way. They try to shove him aside. They cannot. They get madder and shove harder. They cannot budge the old man, who is still looking like a feeble dishwasher. They try to pick him up. They yank his arm. They cannot get past him. First they look perplexed, and then they get scared.

Even without vanquishing bad guys, grounding keeps you solidly placed, so that you don’t feel buffeted or thrown off. This is a boon when giving speeches, when making dinner for a passle of tired children, when your boss wants fourteen things at once, or when the news makes the world sound like a scary place. It involves connecting with yourself, your energy, and also contacting the earth beneath your feet. It is an interchange of energy that provides strong benefits and results.

Connecting with the earth allows you to regain regain perspective. If an emotion has ballooned out of all proportion, the feeling settles down to its real size when you gain perspective by feeling your body in contact with the earth. Grounding helps you process painful feelings by helping you see that they are not as all-consuming as you feared, and by keeping you connected with reality in the present.

Gardeners know how grounding it is to plant and tend the earth. We can teach ourselves to ground wherever we are and reap the benefits of being calmer and more settled. Breathe!

(from Uncover Joy, chapter 5, Grounding)

Gardening gives one back a sense of proportion about everything – except itself.  ~May Sarton, Plant Dreaming Deep, 1968
Gardening is about enjoying the smell of things growing in the soil, getting dirty without feeling guilty, and generally taking the time to soak up a little peace and serenity.  ~Lindley Karstens, noproblemgarden.com

Crisis have you tense? Learn to surf!

May 11, 2010

Jack’s boss criticized him in front of his entire team. By the time he got home, he was not only fuming, he was tight and agitated, planning how he’d show her that he was on top of his game, and on top of the project. The problem was, for the next week, he tried so hard that his tension undermined his performance.

Many of us have spent too much of our lives feeling threatened, so we unknowingly take criticisms, or difficult interactions as more danger than they may actually be. It’s human nature to clench and scrabble, trying to find some hold on events. It can be as if we are trying to hold onto our sense of our lives, and of ourselves as stable. But the clenching takes our attention away from dealing with the situation, so we are less effective. While it is an automatic reaction, it doesn’t help our cause.

What needs to come in, at those moments when our fretting is keeping us up at night, is trust in our experience and our practice of new ways of being. Paradoxically, what keeps us safe and makes us effective is to let go, to allow our survival to be a matter of faith, something that we take for granted (not easy to do for those with trauma in their background), to float on the surge and swell of the event, rather than trying to make the water be still, or to grab onto something for dear life. All that gets us is a fight with the water and more tendency to sink.

Here is where the value of learning to ground and center comes in. When you can identify that reaction of trying to get a grip, developing an internal, kinesthetic sense of your self and your energy body allows you to let go and trust that you will continue to exist. Then you can focus on seeing the event clearly, assessing best action, and doing it. You have more time to notice that it is not life-threatening, that it may be obnoxious or inconvenient, but you can feel good about being able to swim through it.

When Jack became aware of his trying to feel in control again by clenching, he realized that his boss’s criticism had triggered memories of feeling humiliated by his father, who had laughed at him in front of his drinking buddies. Reminding himself that his boss was not his father, Jack was able to turn his efforts to breathing, reconnecting with his felt sense of his body, and be aware of his feet contacting the earth, even in meetings. Rather than resent his boss, he tried assuming that his job was safe. As he felt lighter, he suddenly saw his project from a new angle and got an idea that improved it and open up new options.

If the situation really is threatening, you will have more chance to survive if you can see best options by letting go of the grip that constricts your energy. No matter what, if you ride the wave, you still have your self, and a firmer sense of your being, as you move through the crisis and come out the other side. And it won’t turn into one of those events that adds to old trauma or old beliefs that you can’t survive. Rather it will build on the truth that you are good at body-surfing.

Emotional Spring Cleaning

May 1, 2010

A free and full life is not without crisis and difficulty. Some trouble comes to us all. But, do we have to be contorted and arrested by those sorrows? It takes determination to remove the distorted lenses that have affected our view of life, making it look as if our old pains repeat over and over. All of us who have gone through horrific times have been handed the assignment of coming to terms with what happened rather than being diminished by them.

How do we deal with crisis and loss in such a way that we remain self-supportive and confident, having come to some peace with what happened? How we deal with pain and loss is directly related to how much joy and richness we are able to allow ourselves to experience. It is possible to reassert our sovereign place in our own story. Optimally, we’ll resolve suffering and integrate what we learned, and know our own value, moving forward more connected with ourselves and with life, with a larger sense of who we are, and with more sensitivity and empathy.

In order to free ourselves from the effects of stubborn old baggage, including trauma, we need to introduce movement into the frozen portion of the brain where overwhelming hurts are shut away. Energy is what breaks up the ice and makes things move. Our energy systems can be trained and augmented, so that we move beyond old, self-defeating beliefs and can turn our attention to what is positive and supportive. We can then lessen the power that the memories have over our emotional well-being and then include them in the story of our lives in such a way that they add meaning and depth to how we define ourselves, rather then diminishing us.

Energy Dynamics are helpful for anyone wanting to change their view of life and to feel better in themselves, not only for those who have survived seriously damaging experiences.

(from Uncover Joy:The Path Beyond Pain, Trauma, and Self-defeating Patterns, chapter 1, “Joy is Possible”)

It is the place of feeling that binds us or frees us. Jack Kornfield

Free Your Breath, Free Your Life

April 15, 2010

When we breathe without paying attention, we stay alive. Good thing. But when we learn more about the breath and begin to practice different patterns consciously, amazing things happen. We can release tension and heal long-standing pain or weakness. We can greatly reduce anxiety, and change our automatic reactions to stressful events. We can develop new awareness and build a new relationship with ourselves, feeling more confident and empowered. We can enhance physical and mental performance, rev up, calm down, release stress, clear out stagnation. Rather than something we take for granted, breathing begins to look more like an art, a science, the basis of a more advanced relationship with our physical and emotional selves.

The biggest barrier to effective breathing is that we freeze our diaphragms. When we are startled, shocked, or scared, we gasp, a reflex triggered by an adrenalin surge. As a survival mechanism, gasping draws air quickly into the lungs in case we need to act. Energy is pushed upward as well. Vision sharpens, blood rushes to the head and heart for apprehending danger, for thinking, and preparing for fight or flight.

The problem comes when our systems stay in a mode of chronic over-arousal due to modern life or past unresolved stress, so most of us severely curtail our breath by keeping our diaphragms stiffened in the gasp position. Our awareness of our bodies, feelings and of other aspects of the environment are limited, as their energy stays stuck in our heads.

Try this: Free your diaphragm: When you breathe into your belly, your diaphragm is relaxed.

To see if your diaphragm is released, place your fingertips together, index to index, middle to middle, etcetera, not including your thumbs. Place the tips of your tented fingers gently with your index fingertips just under where your ribs flare out and your little fingertips by your waist. Take a deep breath and focus on breathing down into your belly. See if you can feel your diaphragm muscle push past your index fingers to your middle and then maybe to your ring fingertips. The muscle is expanding.

Then release your breath. A relaxed exhalation involves no effort on your part. Your diaphragm simply contracts to its original resting position. You can feel it move up to your index fingers again. Keep practicing until you can feel this movement. Notice what breathing feels like when your diaphragm is freed to move.

Then, during the day when you notice tension, focus on freeing your diaphragm again. See what effect that has on the way you are in your body, and in the situation. Happy Spring!

Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours.  ~Swedish Proverb

Savoring

March 15, 2010

Many of us react to successes and pleasures by worrying. “Pride goeth before the fall!” we’ll mutter. Or we’ll look for the other shoe to drop, or worry that others will resent our good fortune.  We may decide that we don’t really deserve the good that came our way.

Not everyone reacts this way. Some folks savor their experiences, sinking into the good feelings, exploring and relishing them. Positive psychology researchers have found that those who “derive pleasure through such strategies as anticipating positive events in the future, relishing them in the moment, and reminiscing about those in the past…Those who habitually savor are indeed happier and more satisfied in general with life…more optimistic…and less depressed…than those who do not savor. (Chris Peterson, A Primer of Positive Psychology)

If you tend more toward the worrying type, the good news is that you can increase your happiness by practicing savoring. The next time receive a gift or compliment, win an award or long-sought accomplishment, or you simply notice that it’s a beautiful day, instead of hurrying on by it, enhance your experience by trying these strategies:

  • Sharing with others: You can seek out others to share the experience. If that is not possible, tell others how much you valued the moment.
  • Memory Building: Take mental photographs or even a physical souvenir…and reminisce about it later with others.
  • Self-Congratulation: Do not be afraid of pride. Tell yourself how impressed others are and remember how long you have waited for this to happen.
  • Sharpening Perceptions: focus on certain elements…and block out others.
  • Absorptions: Let yourself get totally immersed in the pleasure and try not to think about other matters.  (Peterson, ibid)

I’d also suggest that savoring requires that us slow down when something brings you joy. We’ll find that we feel fuller and more nourished by life if we spend more time and attention appreciating one thing at a time than if we go for all the goodies that we can pack into an event. Kids at winter solstice holidays are a perfect example. When they receive so much, they often end up unhappy and frantic at the overload.

So, try not distracting yourself from the joy in your accomplishments and in each moment. As Dr. Peterson says, “Don’t be a kill-joy, because it would be (your) own joy that (you are) killing.”


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