Archive for the ‘Creating The Life You Want’ Category
March 10, 2011
Anxiety, the Useful Red Flag
As winter continues (which is ok for us ski buffs but not for anyone else) the world, weather, and economy are all in upheaval. So I thought that understanding anxiety would be a helpful pre-Spring message.
More people are medicated to get away from anxiety than almost any other emotional state. People view anxiety as bad; that it means that something is wrong. Many people experience “free-floating anxiety,” meaning there is no obvious cause. The problem is that people don’t see the cause because they have disconnected from their bodies and feelings, so they aren’t aware of their reactions to events. They are not getting any information, so their reactions seem to come out of the blue. Not knowing why they are agitated makes people feel out-of-control. That leads quickly to seeing any anxiety as a sure sign that their lives are out-of-control. They try madly to figure out what’s going on and avoid any situations that they think may cause the anxiety. Then they have more and more anxiety.
Anxiety actually has a crucial purpose. It notifies us when we need to pay attention to something surfacing or about to happen. If we can see it as a helpful flag, and be willing to look at and assess a potential situation, or be with a surfacing emotion, then we can change our perception of anxiety. It becomes a useful tool. We pay attention, attend to something when we need to, and then we won’t panic. We’ll feel more in control of our lives and empowered to be in the moment and keep moving forward toward our goals.
Anxiety is supposed to be uncomfortable. It is a function of activity in the amygdala, a portion of what has been called the limbic system, the central part of the brain whose purpose is to deal with emotional reactions. The amygdala is activated when we are startled or when we anticipate an event. These could be surprises such as a car back-firing, or the phone ringing at 3:00 AM, or an event that we freely choose, such as taking part in a local production of “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead,” going out the door into Manhattan at night, or taking the SAT’s. The amygdala’s job is to focus our attention on possible dangers. We have a choice, once it has fired. We may go on automatic and react with fight-or-flight, or we may engage the assessment functions of our more advanced brain centers. They will help us weigh the reality of the danger, check that our costume is on straight, be on guard around strangers on the street, or have our pencil sharpened. If we do not moderate the instant alert system with assessment–considering the stimulus; memory recall–comparing it to other events we’ve gone through; and strategizing–thinking what would be the best response given all the information, chances are we will find ourselves running madly away from slamming doors, or we’ll find ourselves taking a swing at a bratty brother when he comes up behind us unexpectedly. Or, we may freeze, unable to remember our lines. One thing is for sure: we’ll constantly over-estimate the amount of danger present in any given situation.
It is not the street, or the test, or the stage that actually causes the anxiety. The trigger only alerts us to check it out. But so many people back away from the triggering situation as if that will reduce their anxiety. And it does, in the moment. But it doesn’t handle the real situation. It only makes them believe that not doing things will make them feel safer.
But, every time someone backs down from a challenge, their sense of agency diminishes, and their fear increases. They feel smaller and smaller. They lose touch with themselves more and more, as they are mesmerized by the scary image front of their mind’s eye. And unless we examine this reaction in the light of day, we won’t see that we are really stuck in past fears and past events; that we are not really reacting to the reality in front of us. The performance doesn’t cause us to feel anxious. Our anticipation and history do.
Tags:anxiety, breathe, center, free-floating anxiety, goals, ground, spring
Posted in Breathing, Centering, Creating The Life You Want, Crucial Skills, Emotional Issues, Energy Work, Releasing Anxiety, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncovering Joy | Leave a Comment »
July 15, 2010
Finally! Those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer are here! (for those of us in the northern hemisphere – sorry about the rest of you!) They bring their siren song to relax, let go of responsibilities, and have some fun – dig in the garden, ride hoses through the surf, swim in lakes, watch a ball game, anything goes.
I’m not suggesting binging on Jello shots or hitchhiking to Montana. Just expansive relaxation, reveling in what makes us happy and enjoying what we have, as well as adding a bit of adventure.
But what happens if we have a tendency to hold on too tightly, to need to be in control? What if we rob ourselves of the joy of life? Lots of people try to feel safe and on top of things by controlling themselves or situations too tightly.
There are some major problems with being a control freak:
- We think we’re being organized, but more and more, our attention is on the world around us, rather than settled in our own sphere.
- We avoid some pain or issue that needs our attention by controlling something else.
- We tend to reach into territory that’s not our purview – spouses, kids, neighbors, coworkers – and damage our relationships.
- We cut off our sense of our own bodies and energy, constricting our internal resources and our ability to relax and have fun.
To take advantage of these summer days, it helps to recognize that you may be investing too much energy in being in control, and then pry your fingers loose. Then, breathe, ground your energy in your body, center yourself, and be willing to be in the present moment, whether it involves a painful memory surging up or acknowledging that kids can be influenced, not molded, and trust that they’ll land on their feet.
The discomfort of what you’ve been avoiding will ebb as you be with it, rather than fighting it. Then, you’ll be free to enjoy the sun and soak up this precious time. Happy Summer!
Tags:being present, breath, control issues, emotions, Joy, mindfulness, relaxing, releasing painful feelings
Posted in Be Present, Creating The Life You Want, Emotional Issues, Holidays, Life, Mindfulness | Leave a Comment »
June 17, 2010
The secret about joy is that it is only by being in the present, deeply connected and awake within ourselves, that it is possible to tap into the bliss lurking beneath the crud. Grounding enables us to be in the present. Our efforts to stay away from our old baggage actually keeps us stuck and disconnected from ourselves and traps us in pain. Grounding awakens us to our internal world, so we come face-to-face with feelings we may have been avoiding, but it also increases intuition, healing, safety, and calm.
The question is, how do we release the pain and return to ourselves? Grounding and centering are two vital steps in the answer. Used together, we can increase our body’s ability to heal, our energy to work out kinks and realign. In the process, we can resolve and release old trauma, lay to rest old losses, and change self-defeating patterns.
When, rather than being scattered, too focused on others, or self-critical, we ground ourselves, we settle into relationship with ourselves. We turn on the lights and move into our own body more completely. Rather than zoning out, or trying to get away, or tightening up to only a tiny part of ourselves (say, our minds, maybe?) we inhabit all of ourselves. We settle into what is real now, connecting inward, in order to connect outward safely and accurately. Grounding enables us to see what is around us and our place in it, and to move thru life assuredly, or at least without losing ourselves.
Smile, breathe and go slowly. ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. ~Theodore Roosevelt
Tags:being present, change, feelings, grounding, growth, Joy, mindfulness, releasing painful feelings, self-defeating patterns, Trauma
Posted in Be Present, Coaching, Creating The Life You Want, Crucial Skills, Emotional Issues, Energy Medicine, Energy Work, Grounding, Life, Mindfulness, Self-criticism, Uncovering Joy | Leave a Comment »
May 15, 2010
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day give us a chance to thank parents who cared for us, offered helpful advice, kept us safe, and guided us to be the best we can be.
For some people, however, these holidays are painful. Yes, everyone has things to work out with their parents, otherwise what impetus would we have to grow and evolve as adults? But for lots of folks, all the ads for flowers and restaurants remind them that their childhoods were not supportive or safe. They have had to spend years recovering from abuse and trying to build strong and positive senses of themselves.
Whether you were blessed with wonderful parents, the regular human kind, or had to struggle with serious problems in your family, here’s a suggestion to help you feel the blessings of Spring.
For the lucky ones, what characteristics do you most value in your parents?
And for the challenged ones, what did you most want from your parents that you did not receive?
List those traits that you think personify wonderful parenting.
Now, for the next two weeks, choose one of those traits and give it to yourself. It works best if you clarify what you will focus on, rather than generalizing and then falling short because you expect too much of yourself or did not have a model for good parenting.
Be your own best parent. Treat yourself kindly. Hold your hand (metaphorically speaking – might be hard to do for real if you’re lugging a briefcase and two bags of groceries) when you cross the street. Have empathy for your reactions. Guide yourself gently through troubles. Give yourself milk and cookies. Put your arm around yourself for no reason at all.
Before you go to bed each night, write a love note to yourself. Tell yourself what you’re proud of yourself for doing during the day. Remind yourself of your good qualities. Comfort yourself for difficulties. Give yourself the kind of before-sleep benediction that a kind, loving parent would.
Go to sleep with those messages in your mind.
As you integrate the first attribute, you may want to focus on another one.
Then see what blossoms in you as Spring progresses. Notice if your own feelings of lovingkindness grow, if you feel more sunny, more relaxed, more supported. And make each holiday an acknowledgement of your wonderful Self-Parenting. Happy Spring!
Worry: a misuse fo your imagination. Anonymous
Tags:abuse, change, feelings, releasing painful feelings, self-parenting, self-support, spring, Trauma
Posted in Creating The Life You Want, Getting Free of Toxic People, Holidays, Life, Releasing Anxiety, Setting the Stage for Change | Leave a Comment »
May 11, 2010
Jack’s boss criticized him in front of his entire team. By the time he got home, he was not only fuming, he was tight and agitated, planning how he’d show her that he was on top of his game, and on top of the project. The problem was, for the next week, he tried so hard that his tension undermined his performance.
Many of us have spent too much of our lives feeling threatened, so we unknowingly take criticisms, or difficult interactions as more danger than they may actually be. It’s human nature to clench and scrabble, trying to find some hold on events. It can be as if we are trying to hold onto our sense of our lives, and of ourselves as stable. But the clenching takes our attention away from dealing with the situation, so we are less effective. While it is an automatic reaction, it doesn’t help our cause.
What needs to come in, at those moments when our fretting is keeping us up at night, is trust in our experience and our practice of new ways of being. Paradoxically, what keeps us safe and makes us effective is to let go, to allow our survival to be a matter of faith, something that we take for granted (not easy to do for those with trauma in their background), to float on the surge and swell of the event, rather than trying to make the water be still, or to grab onto something for dear life. All that gets us is a fight with the water and more tendency to sink.
Here is where the value of learning to ground and center comes in. When you can identify that reaction of trying to get a grip, developing an internal, kinesthetic sense of your self and your energy body allows you to let go and trust that you will continue to exist. Then you can focus on seeing the event clearly, assessing best action, and doing it. You have more time to notice that it is not life-threatening, that it may be obnoxious or inconvenient, but you can feel good about being able to swim through it.
When Jack became aware of his trying to feel in control again by clenching, he realized that his boss’s criticism had triggered memories of feeling humiliated by his father, who had laughed at him in front of his drinking buddies. Reminding himself that his boss was not his father, Jack was able to turn his efforts to breathing, reconnecting with his felt sense of his body, and be aware of his feet contacting the earth, even in meetings. Rather than resent his boss, he tried assuming that his job was safe. As he felt lighter, he suddenly saw his project from a new angle and got an idea that improved it and open up new options.
If the situation really is threatening, you will have more chance to survive if you can see best options by letting go of the grip that constricts your energy. No matter what, if you ride the wave, you still have your self, and a firmer sense of your being, as you move through the crisis and come out the other side. And it won’t turn into one of those events that adds to old trauma or old beliefs that you can’t survive. Rather it will build on the truth that you are good at body-surfing.
Tags:anxiety, being present, Breathing, constricted breathing, crisis, Difficulty completing projects, emotions, finishing projects, handling criticism, mindfulness, Self-doubt, stress-reduction, tension, Trauma
Posted in Breathing, Centering, Creating The Life You Want, Crucial Skills, Energy Work, Grounding, Life, Releasing Anxiety, Trauma, Uncategorized, Uncovering Joy | Leave a Comment »
May 1, 2010
A free and full life is not without crisis and difficulty. Some trouble comes to us all. But, do we have to be contorted and arrested by those sorrows? It takes determination to remove the distorted lenses that have affected our view of life, making it look as if our old pains repeat over and over. All of us who have gone through horrific times have been handed the assignment of coming to terms with what happened rather than being diminished by them.
How do we deal with crisis and loss in such a way that we remain self-supportive and confident, having come to some peace with what happened? How we deal with pain and loss is directly related to how much joy and richness we are able to allow ourselves to experience. It is possible to reassert our sovereign place in our own story. Optimally, we’ll resolve suffering and integrate what we learned, and know our own value, moving forward more connected with ourselves and with life, with a larger sense of who we are, and with more sensitivity and empathy.
In order to free ourselves from the effects of stubborn old baggage, including trauma, we need to introduce movement into the frozen portion of the brain where overwhelming hurts are shut away. Energy is what breaks up the ice and makes things move. Our energy systems can be trained and augmented, so that we move beyond old, self-defeating beliefs and can turn our attention to what is positive and supportive. We can then lessen the power that the memories have over our emotional well-being and then include them in the story of our lives in such a way that they add meaning and depth to how we define ourselves, rather then diminishing us.
Energy Dynamics are helpful for anyone wanting to change their view of life and to feel better in themselves, not only for those who have survived seriously damaging experiences.
(from Uncover Joy:The Path Beyond Pain, Trauma, and Self-defeating Patterns, chapter 1, “Joy is Possible”)
It is the place of feeling that binds us or frees us. Jack Kornfield
Tags:change, emotions, feelings, growth, hurt, Joy, releasing painful feelings, Trauma
Posted in Clearing Old Energy Patterns, Creating The Life You Want, Emotional Issues, Energy Work, Healing, Life, Trauma, Uncovering Joy | Leave a Comment »
April 1, 2010
Crusty New Englanders might want to pull an April Fool on you on a muddy road somewhere and tell you that you can’t get theah from heah. But if your work depends on the accuracy of your perceptions, or you are on a journey of self-actualization, you can ge3t anywhere, but only if you start from here – where you are, right now. It doesn’t matter if your goal is to enhance the joy in your life, increase productivity, communicate more effectively, be a healer, develop your intuition, or feel better in your body. True perception requires knowing where you are in space and in your physical body. You must have your awareness open, clear, and firmly planted in the present. Only then can you be accurate about what you perceive, where it originated, and what it means. Is it yours or are you picking up someone else’s emotional state? Is it an intuition, or a reaction triggered by your past? Is it a response to a preoccupation or passing thought, or is it an insight into the situation that you are exploring?
We all unknowingly try to soothe ourselves by distancing ourselves from discomfort or pain. We also get thrown off when we are not aware that we are being swayed by others. As Ramorrah said in a class in which I taught coaches to use Energy Work, “Our bodies are crucial to help us know when we’re authentic, aren’t they?” By connecting with our present bodily experience, we land ourselves in the real present, not philosophically, but concretely.
Our bodies are the locus of all the information we receive. By being willing to be present in our bodies, we connect more fully with the present moment. We also are more able to release blocks, and to countering distortions in perception, including those caused by the past. It is the most direct way to become more adept. The best way to come home to our bodies, to relieve any discomfort we find there, to increase our awareness, is through our breath.
Try this: For the next two weeks, when some discomfort makes you want to get away from your present reality, take several deep breaths instead. Stand still for a few moments and simply feel the sensations of breathing. See what happens. Muddy roads or no, you can get anywhere from here!
For breath is life, and if you breathe well, you will live long on earth. ~Sanskrit Proverb
Tags:being present, breath, foundation of intuition, mindfulness, releasing painful feelings, success, success in completing projects
Posted in Be Present, Breathing, Clearing Old Energy Patterns, Creating The Life You Want, Crucial Skills, Energy Work, Healing, Life, Mindfulness, Releasing Anxiety | Leave a Comment »
January 18, 2010
Dame Judy Dench, arguably one of the best actors in the world, has primarily played sure-footed women. She was being interviewed on National Public Radio to introduce her latest series, “Cranford,” as I wrote the first draft of this chapter. One of the things she said was, “Those characters are not who I am. Everything I have done has brought up such anxiety, so much anxiety.” So, no one is immune from their critical voices. Self-doubt seems to be part of the human condition. Everyone has it sometime (except psychopaths), and it is impossible to eradicate completely. As a great actor, Dame Judy is an example of someone who clearly knows how to deal with her anxiety and move forward. When I was younger and struggling with my own healing, I could function well at work, and with friends. I felt competent when dealing with a project or interaction. I could stand up in a courtroom and contest a ticket. I could speak in public. But I did not really have a sense that it was my life. I was caught in old beliefs and injunctions from my upbringing, so I focused on what others thought and wanted, and I unconsciously relegated myself to the category of to-blame-if-anything-goes-wrong. If I had a misunderstanding with someone, or blurted something at a party, I would berate myself mercilessly afterward, a maneuver that a friend dubbed ‘party-remorse.’ Any decision I made, I second-guessed. I could find myself sweeping the kitchen floor while thinking that really, it was not the best use of my time, I should be writing an article, or cleaning the bathroom, or researching a concept. I’d utilize my gifts for clients or friends, but not for me. Why wasn’t I able to remember my strengths, who I really was, even while I was helping others build positive views of themselves, heal from emotional and physical pain, and embrace bright futures? Why could I not maintain my center, even as I taught others to do so? What does it take to build and maintain a sense of self that supports us through anxiety, opposition, and stressful situations? Even when we have worked through obstacles, many of us continue to doubt ourselves, thereby undermining our efforts to build self-assurance. It is disorganizing constantly to second-guess ourselves. We must see that self-criticism and shame are not based on the reality of who we are, but on our attempts to control our pain.
If our sense of self is based on self-criticism and self-hatred, we must go overboard in the positive direction in order to build a stance based on self-love and a realistic appreciation of our worth. It isn’t overcompensation. It simply feels that way, if we’ve had a taboo against being on our own side.
Tags:centering, giving yourself credit, growth, Joy, Judy Dench, Positive Attitude, Self-doubt, valuing yourself
Posted in Centering, Creating The Life You Want, Energy Work, Healing | Leave a Comment »
December 29, 2009
Thanks to my lovely yoga teacher, I came up with a great idea this morning. I tried it with my family, and it worked. Rather than flying straight to a new to-do list for the new year, we wrote a list of all the things with which we’d succeeded in ’09. This includes accomplishments and also internal successes, growth, difficulties successfully navigated, hard times well lived through, things we’re proud of that others wouldn’t understand. My list includes finishing the final draft of Uncover Joy, becoming a better mother by working through a type of situation that always got my goat, confronting a fear by taking riding lessons, continuing to ride so that I’m out of the ‘baby’ category, and internal wins such as being at peace with a troublesome relationship, and also finally working through a type of situation that always led to my feeling terrible, so that I finally feel that I belong in the world and that I can move freely through it. This one led to my favorite, truly feeling joyful so much of the time.
At our house, we’re having so much fun with it that we’re going to keep adding to our lists as we think of more things to feel good about.
Try it. Does it lead to your feeling more complete and satisfied with 2009? What does giving yourself credit do for you? Do you relish the feeling of accomplishment? Do you feel satisfied and at peace?
And what are your end of year/project rituals? I’d love to know.
Tags:finishing projects, giving yourself credit, growth, Joy, new year's resolutions, peace, success in completing projects, Writing books
Posted in Creating The Life You Want, Life, Trauma | 3 Comments »
